Thank you for joining me!
Before we dive in, I want to congratulate you on taking this bold step. Although we live in a post-sexual revolution era, there is still a lot of stigma around sexual pleasure. As you'll hear, I grew up in a very progressive family and yet I still struggled with my sexuality, so I know firsthand how difficult this process can be. I'm proud of you for making your sexual relationships a priority and for recognizing that there is always more to learn. That's half the work right there!
How This Works
Below you’ll find content for two courses:
Confidence Building Secrets for Pleasuring HIM
Confidence Building Secrets for Pleasuring HER.
Each course contains six lessons - videos plus instruction. To access your videos, follow the links and enter the password "Confidence" (case sensitive).
Video Overview:
Lesson One: Intro and Anatomy
Lesson Two: Manual Techniques
Lesson Three: Oral Sex Overview & Techniques
Lesson Four: Kegels and Positions
Lesson Five: Anal Play & Prostate Stimulation
Lesson Six: Props and Toys
Lesson 1: Introduction
In our first module, I provide an overview of the course along with my philosophy on sex. I will also have a video demonstration of anatomy (on a dildo) and the second video will include a male anatomy review.
As you'll discover, lube will soon be your new best friend. It makes manual techniques easier, intercourse more enjoyable and it's an absolute necessity for anal play. Yes, you'll be hearing a lot about lube - including a rather embarrassing experience about what happened to me when I didn't use it for a hand job. It didn't end well! Our handy guide will help you decipher the difference between silicone, oil and water-based lubes, as well as the things to avoid.
Next, I invite you to try out this writing exercise where you'll journal about a peak sexual experience. Make sure you set aside some time (15-20 minute) where you're uninterrupted and able to lean into the experience.
Lesson Two: Hand jobs:
In this video, you'll learn the beauty of a good handjob, the story behind my obsession with lubricant, and why manual techniques are the foundation for great sex. You'll also hear me talk a lot about communication. The most efficient route to figuring out how to please your partner is to... ask what they like! The problem is that most of us tend to avoid asking for feedback because we are afraid of eliciting criticism and when we do get constructive feedback we tend to take it personally.
One way to make communication easier is to ask questions that don't have a negative answer. For instance, I suggest staying away from yes/no questions ("do you like this?") and instead framing the question as a choice ("do you like this or this?") This prevents your partner from being forced to say they don't like something and instead puts the focus on the things they do like. Download a script here.
Build Arousal, Then Find Your Rhythm
You'll hear me talk about building arousal during the early stages of a hand job by using a light tough and trying different techniques. This is a great way to experiment and see what your partner likes, plus it means your hand is less likely to get tired because it involves less vigorous movement. Now, that said, when they're close to orgasm you'll want to find that go-to move that provides the right amount of pressure and speed (the classic pump or double twist are good options). I think we've all experienced the frustration of our partner suddenly moving their hand or tongue just when they had found the sweet spot. It's the same for men - once they're close to orgasm, try your best not to change what you're doing.
Suggested Homework - Find Your Signature Move
I'd like you to experiment with combining a few of the techniques featured in the video. You certainly don't have to incorporate them all - just find a couple you enjoy doing. Even if you have a partner, I'd suggest practicing on a dildo or banana first to get your coordination down. It may take a few tries before you feel comfortable so it's nice to take the pressure off. I offer a few combination suggestions in the video but this is about finding a combination you enjoy doing.
Lesson Three: Blowjobs
Now that you've learned some fabulous manual techniques, it's time for some oral fun. As you'll hear, oral sex is one of my absolute favourite sexual activities. I hope my enthusiasm and signature moves will encourage you to feel the same way!
The first video gives you the lowdown on what makes a great blow job (I polled lots of guys to get this feedback!) and the second video includes a variety of specific techniques.
Get Comfy
I know that a lot of women aren't keen on swallowing, and yet the media makes it seems like this is the be all and end all goal of oral sex. I assure you, it is not! As one of my partners put it, "When I'm about to orgasm I'm so happy I don't know what's going on! Half the time I don't even notice where I've ejaculated." There are lots of options for where your partner can come, so be sure to have a conversation beforehand about what you're comfortable doing.
Physical discomfort during oral sex is a surefire way to prevent you from having fun. That's why you'll see that I prop myself up with pillows to prevent my neck from getting sore and I use my hands to give my jaw a break. You are way more likely to enjoy oral sex if you're relaxed, so be sure to find a position that feels good for you.
Here are a few ways to spice up a blowjob:
1. Make eye contact: Guys are visual, so incorporate positions where he's able to see the action. Look up once in a while and lock eyes.
2. Make noise: Not only will this convey your enthusiasm, but the vibrations from your mouth will feel amazing, especially if you hum!
3. Play with temperature: Keep a glass each of warm water and frozen grapes (or ice cubes) by the bed, and alternate between the two extremes. This will also keep things nice and wet.
4. Blindfold him: Let him guess what you're going to do next by using a blindfold. If you don't have one, get creative - your pashmina is more versatile than you think.
5. Make it fun for you: Engage in self-pleasuring techniques with your hand or a vibrator. Not only will this help you to be more enthusiastic, but your partner will love the visual.
Homework: Pick Your Trick
As I keep saying, enthusiasm is the sexiest tool at your disposal. So this week, try to choose one thing that's going to make YOU more excited about oral sex, whether it's adding some yummy treats like maple syrup or chocolate, finding a more comfortable position, or incorporating a toy for self-stimulation. Trust me - if you're having more fun, so will he.
Lesson Four: Intercourse
This week is all about intercourse. In the first video, you'll hear how I had sex for many years without being able to achieve orgasm. Unfortunately, this isn't surprising - an estimated 70% of women can't climax from intercourse alone. That's why in this video I also suggest ways to include clitoral stimulation so that sex is more enjoyable for both of you. In the second video, I'll demonstrate some fun and easy (no acrobatics required!) positions including two Red Tent Sisters signature moves.
In the first video, you'll hear me talk about the importance of Kegel exercises. These are exercises that strengthen the pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. The PC is a sling of muscle that supports the sexual organs. There are a variety of health benefits to Kegel exercises, including a reduced risk of bladder problems, easier childbirth, less chance of menstrual cramping, and more intense orgasms! Plus, you'll have the ability to grip your partner during intercourse, leading to an increased sensation for him.
So, how do you find your PC muscle? If you've ever tried to stop peeing mid-stream, that's the right muscle. Once you've isolated the muscle you can do a series of exercises. There are lots of ways of doing this but here's the program recommended by Mikaya Heart in her book, The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women:
"Clench slowly and then relax ten times; clench as fast as you can ten times (flutter); and push outwardly ten times. Work up to doing thirty repetitions within each set."
You can do these exercises any time, but I suggest associating them with a certain activity, like brushing your teeth or doing the dishes, so that you're less likely to forget. Plus, it'll make these monotonous activities a whole lot more fun! You'll also find that activities like pilates and yoga - anything that engages the pelvic floor - will help you have stronger PC muscles.
Homework: Choose Your Words
Knowing what to say in bed can be tough. Certain words may come naturally whereas others may sound forced. I certainly remember how awkward I felt the first time I was more verbal with my partner. So that's why I designed a Sexy Vocabulary Checklist for you to use to explore different types of sexy words and help you feel more comfortable and excited when you're talking to your partner during sex.
Lesson Five: Anal Play
This lesson is all about exploring anal play. Unfortunately, it's an activity that is often misunderstood and as a result, many people are nervous to try it. However, when done properly, anal play can be amazingly pleasurable. The first myth I'd like to dispel right off the bat is that it hurts. Anal play should never, ever be painful. Like anything new, it may feel strange or maybe even uncomfortable, but if it hurts, you're doing something wrong! That's why this is a favourite topic of mine to teach - because a few tips can make a big difference.
The first video is focused on anal sex and how it can be enjoyable for you, while the second video explores prostate stimulation for him.
Top Tips for Successful Anal Play
I mention all these in the videos, but they're definitely worth repeating. Plus, I thought it'd be helpful to have them handy for quick reference.
Relax. If you're not relaxed, your muscles will be tight and you're more likely to experience pain. Please, only engage in anal play if you're genuinely excited and comfortable. This is definitely not a time to fake it.
Go SLOWLY!! Go as slow as you possibly can, then go a little slower. That's probably the right speed.
Lube, lube, lube. The anus doesn't self-lubricate, so lube isn't an option - it's a necessity.
Communication. Even more so than any other type of play, communication is key to making sure you're both having fun.
Additional Resources
I've covered the basics here and in the video, but if you're interested in learning more about anal play there are some great resources out there. I highly recommend Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men (I'll be talking more about videos in the last module - including how good porn can be your friend). This instructional video also includes couples demonstrating different techniques. If you're more of a reader, you might be interested in the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men by Bill Brent.
Suggested Homework: Explore in the Shower
One of the best ways to see if anal play is right for you is to experiment in the shower. You're way more likely to be relaxed when you're by yourself, plus you'll be in control so you can determine the speed. Take a soapy finger (make sure to use a mild, non-irritating soap) or lubed up finger and slowly play around on the outside of the anus. For this, a silicone lubricant works best since it doesn't wash off in water. Just be careful if you spill any - silicone lube will make tile super slippery and I don't want you falling! If you're comfortable with external play, try slowly (and I mean super slowly!) inserting your finger. Notice the way your body reacts. If this is the first time you've experimented, you may find that it feels uncomfortable at first, but as I said, it shouldn't be painful. If it is, slow down, and apply more lube.
Remember, the first step to making sure you enjoy anal play is to be relaxed. If you've explored anal stimulation by yourself and enjoyed it, you're more likely to be comfortable when you try it with your partner.
Lesson Six: Props, Porn, and Toys
Welcome to the sixth and final lesson of Confidence Building Secrets for Pleasuring Him. I hope you've learned as much from taking the course as I have from making it!
In this last class together I'd like to share some of my favourite props for making sex even more pleasurable. I'm lucky to have access to loads of toys through my line of work (just one of the many perks of my job!) and although I love my exploding goodie drawer, you don't need a million different gadgets to have a good time. A mini vibe, some chocolate sauce and a mirror go a long way.
In this last video we’re looking at toys and props, plus what makes for good porn (which does exist, I promise!).
Of course, there are many other options for erotic stimulation besides film. If erotic literature interests you, you might want to check out the work of Anais Nin or some collections of erotic literature like Sweet Love: Erotic Fantasies for Couples or Best Women's Erotica. There are also some great books of erotic art, poetry and even erotic cartoons. Try a few different types of media and see if one strikes your fancy.
Top Tips for Choosing a Vibrator
If you're new to toys, the process of choosing a vibrator can be totally overwhelming. I'll never forget my first shopping experience. I was so intimated I bought the first thing the salesperson showed me (which happened to have flashing lights and a weird animal face. Yikes!) So, here are few things to help make the experience a little easier:
1. Versatility: Some toys are designed for a very particular purpose and if it turns out you don't like it, you're kind of stuck. That's why I usually recommend a bullet vibe which can be used on both you and your partner. Or I'd recommend something like the Gigi, which can be used for internal and external stimulation.
2. Material: As many of you may know, I'm very picky about the toys I recommend. The sex toy industry isn't actually regulated and as a result, many toys are made from materials that aren't great for our bodies. That's why I recommend sticking with materials like silicone, stainless steel, wood, hard plastic, and glass. These are all phthalate-free (a phthalate is a chemical used to soften plastics that's been linked to lots of health concerns) and non-porous, so they're easy to clean. If you're not sure if a toy is safe, do the smell taste - phthalates have that icky new-car smell.
3. Intensity. If you're new to toys it can be hard to know what intensity you're going to like. That's why I usually recommend a toy that has at least a couple speeds so you can experiment. Toys like the Hitachi Magic wand are extremely powerful (I joke the speeds are high and higher) while others have a more gentle vibration.
4. Power: Some vibrators are battery operated and some are rechargeable. I suggest checking what kind of batteries a toy takes, since some of them are hard to find and/or expensive to replace, especially those little watch batteries!
5. Aesthetics: It may sound silly, but it's important that you like the look of your toy. As I said, the first vibrator I ever got was funny looking and definitely didn't put me in the mood. Fortunately there are lots of options so you should be able to find something to fit your taste.
Homework: Make Your Own Sex Deck
There's a cute game called the Sex Deck which contains 52 different sexual positions. Although I like the idea, many of the positions are a bit ridiculous (you'd have to be a member of Cirque du Soleil to get your leg up that high!).
So, my suggestion is to create your own! Do some brainstorming, and write down all the techniques, positions and scenarios that you'd like to try or already love. You still have access to all the videos from this course, so it might be worth going back and reviewing some of the suggestions.
Then take a stack of cue cards and write (or draw!) each scenario onto its own card. This game can help break the ice and make it easier to suggest new things to your partner. A great way to build anticipation is to choose a card together in the morning and leave it out for later that night.
Thank You!
I hope this course has helped give you a fresh perspective and some techniques to enhance your pleasure in the bedroom, for both you and your partner. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out: Kim@Kimsedgwick.com
Video Overview:
To access your videos, follow these links and enter the password "Confidence" (case sensitive).
Lesson One: Intro
Lesson Two: Manual Techniques
Lesson Three: Oral Sex
Lesson Four: Intercourse
Lesson Five: Anal Play
Lesson Six: Props and Toys
Lesson One: Introduction
In the first video, I'll tell you a little bit about my story (and why I'm qualified to give you sex advice!) as well as some general tips on female sexuality and an overview of what to expect.
I'm including a link to the Red Tent Sisters guide to choosing a lubricant which gives you the lowdown on how to choose the best lube for you and your partner. As you'll discover over the coming weeks, lube will be your new best friend. It makes manual techniques easier, intercourse more enjoyable and it's an absolute necessity for anal play.
However, as I mention in the video, some women may be nervous to use lube if they've had bad experiences with brands like K-Y jelly or Astroglide which contain a number of ingredients that can cause an allergic reaction. Our handy guide will help you decipher the difference between silicone, oil and water-based lubes, as well as the things to avoid.
Female anatomy is a mystery to most people - even women! I hear all the time from customers that they don't know what their vulva looks like or what to call the various parts. So, here's a little refresher (using my favourite vulva puppet!) with a focus on how it all relates to her pleasure.
First off, to avoid confusion, I'd like to explain the difference between the vagina and the vulva. Although vagina is the word commonly used to refer to everything "down there" it actually only refers to a woman's internal sexual anatomy. The term vulva accurately encompasses all the visible parts of a woman's sexual anatomy, including the clitoris, labia, and vaginal opening.
Throughout the course you'll hear me talk a lot about clitoral stimulation. That's because the clitoris is the only part of the human body designed purely for pleasure. That's right - its sole purpose is to feel good! Most women find that it's incredibly sensitive, so often less is more when it comes to clitoral stimulation.
There are a lot of misconceptions about the clitoris, including the idea that it's a small "button" when in fact the clitoris is a huge network of nerves that extend well behind the head. The glans (aka, the button)are connected to the shaft which runs up towards the mons pubis (the area where a woman's pubic hair grows). The shaft then separates and forks downwards to create a wishbone shape along the sides of the inner lips. That's why the inner lips are so sensitive - stimulating them is actually stimulating part of the clitoris! Similar to the male equivalent, the perineum is rich in nerve endings and highly erogenous. Even if you're partner isn't interested in anal penetration, she may be receptive to stimulation of the perineum.
Words have the power to be a huge turn-on.... or a turn-off. For instance, some women love the word pussy while others find it offensive. As you keep hearing, communication is key to a good sex life but if you don't have a way to talk about sexual anatomy it can be pretty tricky.
Homework: Discover what your partner would like her sexy bits called.
Some women don't like any of the common terms, so if that's the case, come up with your own! If your partner is shy or uncomfortable, finding words that feel neutral may be helpful. The key here is to find a common language - words that you're both comfortable using that help in the exploration process. To help you get started, print out a copy of our sexy vocab checklist to read with your partner and for each word circle "yes" or "no." The blank lines at the end are for you to write down your own creations.
Lesson Two: Manual Stimulation
This week you'll learn how much delicious pleasure your hands can provide. In the video, you'll meet my trusty friend, Gloria, as I demonstrate lots of techniques for manual stimulation.
The Great G-Spot Debate
Over the years the G-spot has certainly caused a lot of debate. In fact, the controversy was recently rekindled by an article in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. A Yale urological surgeon, Amichai Kilchevsky, wrote: "Objective measures have failed to provide strong and consistent evidence for the existence of an anatomical site that could be related to the famed G-spot." What I found more interesting is that he proceeded to state: "My view is that the G-spot is really just the extension of the clitoris on the inside of the vagina, analogous to the base of the male penis."
Why am I telling you all this? Well, a couple reasons. One, it's a reminder of how much there is still to learn about female sexuality (even the scientists haven't got it figured out yet!) and second, I think it's important to note the more we learn about female sexual anatomy, the clearer it becomes how much everything is interconnected. It's hard to know whether a woman is having a clitoral, G-spot or vaginal orgasm and my opinion is that as long as she's enjoying it, does it really matter? So although I suggest exploring the g-spot, I don't recommend getting caught up in technicalities.
How do you stimulate this area? You start by inserting a curved finger about 1-2 inches inside the vagina, towards the front wall. You want to simulate that 'come here' motion and most women need firm pressure (although, as always, communicate with your partner about how much to apply). When a woman becomes aroused, the tissue surrounding the urethra swells, making it easier to stimulate through the vagina wall. That's why I usually recommend leaving G-spot play until after your partner is warmed up.
It's important to note that for many women this type of stimulation can feel uncomfortable at first and can also bring on the sensation of needing to urinate (which makes sense, since you're pressing against the urethra). If a woman is worried she might pee, she's definitely not going to relax; so I recommend she use the washroom before you get started. While on the subject, you may have heard about women who are able to ejaculate from G-spot stimulation. Unfortunately, many women worry the fluid is urine when, in fact, it's similar to male prostatic fluid - clear with very little smell.
Suggested Homework: Make Manual Stimulation the Main Event
Learning to stimulate your partner manually is a great foundation for other types of play. It's a nice addition to oral sex (many women like having a finger inserted vaginally during cunnilingus) and as you keep hearing, clitoral stimulation during intercourse is key for many women to be able to achieve orgasm. Now that said, it's also a great activity in and of itself. That's why your suggested homework for this week is to pleasure your partner using only your hands. By making manual stimulation the main event you'll be more likely to dedicate the time and attention necessary to discover what she likes.
Lesson Three: Oral Techniques
This week is all about cunnilingus. In the video, you'll learn a variety of tongue techniques (like the abc's!) as well as the most comfortable position for performing oral sex.
In my years as a sex educator I've talked to hundreds of people about oral sex. Lots of men love performing it and have no reservations at all, but there are some common concerns that often come up. That's why before diving into techniques I'd like to take a minute to offer some tips that might help make the process more enjoyable for both you and your partner.
Smell. This seems to be the number one reason some men aren't keen on cunnilingus. In fact, it's also the same concern cited by many women. Women are often taught that their genitals are unclean and require special "freshening sprays." The irony is that the vagina is self-cleaning and is actually more sanitary than the mouth. As a result, using douches throws off a woman's natural pH, which can lead to infection. That's why I never recommend any of these types of products - they can do more harm than good.
Sometimes a woman's scent can be a result of sweat, so washing up will definitely make a difference. Try showering together and treating it as foreplay. To reduce the risk of irritation, pick up a pH balanced soap (but you still don't want to use it internally). The other option is to incorporate flavoured lubricant.
Hair. Like so many things, hair is about personal preference. Some love a full bush while others like a freshly shaved vulva. I'd suggest chatting with your partner about your preferences and deciding together what you're both comfortable with. If you opt for shaving, why not turn it into a ritual you do together? Many couples find that it can be a huge turn-on. Here are a few tips to reduce irritation: have her take a warm bath or shower beforehand to soften the hair, use a new razor so that you can minimize the number of strokes required and try to shave in the direction of hair growth. While we're on the subject of hair, think about your own. If a woman has a shaved or waxed vulva she'll be extra sensitive to a scratchy beard so it's best to return the favour and shave, or leave it long enough that it's soft.
It'll Take Too Long. This is another biggie that both men and women wonder about. Unfortunately, the more a woman worries, the more likely it is she'll have difficulty achieving orgasm. So how do you avoid this stress? First off, if you're not concerned, tell her! Let her know that you're happy to keep going as long as she's enjoying it. This will help put her at ease and let her actually enjoy the experience rather than watching the clock. If you find you get tired, try switching positions (like the one I demonstrate in the video). Or take a break and switch to manual stimulation or incorporate a toy. The key is to take the pressure off yourself to bring her to orgasm from your mouth alone - you've got lots of tools at your disposal.
Suggested Homework: Play with Temperature
Bring the kitchen to the bedroom and experiment with temperature play. Keep a warm glass of water and a bowl of frozen grapes by the bed, and alternate between the two sensations. Or pop a mint before heading south - you can keep it in your mouth or take it out and rub it against her clit.
Lesson Four: Intercourse
Missionary, doggy style, spooning, cowgirl... yes, this week is all about positions! In the video, you'll learn some fun variations (including two Red Tent Sisters Signature moves!), plus I've included a handy "checklist" to help you find the positions that are best suited to you and your partner.
Position Checklist
Open Mind. You've heard me say before that a willingness to try new things is one of the keys to a great sex life. This is definitely true when it comes to intercourse - often the best positions are the ones you discover by accident!
Mood. Some positions are more intimate while others allow you to explore role play and power dynamics. Try to read the mood and choose a position that's appropriate. For instance, spooning feels tender while rear entry often feels dominating. It doesn't mean one is better than the other - they're just suited to different situations.
Physical ability. We're not all gymnasts who can do the splits, so try to keep in mind what's realistic given you and your partner's physical ability. Some positions are exciting and pleasurable, but not necessarily comfortable to maintain. Your best bet is to include them at the beginning (before you get too tired) and then switch to something less strenuous later on.
Clitoral Stimulation. As you keep hearing, most women need clitoral stimulation in order to achieve orgasm. That's partly why they estimate that 70% of women can't orgasm from intercourse alone - most positions aren't optimal for this kind of stimulation. However, there are some that are better suited, like cowgirl (where the woman can grind into her partner). Also, lots of positions offer the opportunity for you or your partner to use a hand or toy.
Angle and Depth. Some women love the feeling of deep penetration and even enjoy the sensation of their cervix being hit. However, others find it uncomfortable or even painful. Similarly, some women enjoy positions that stimulate the g-spot (like rear entry) while others aren't so keen - just more reason to experiment!
Suggested Homework: Find Your New Signature Move(s)
Your suggested homework is to take one (or more!) of the positions from the video and experiment with different leg positions, props (headboard, kitchen table, couch, pillows, etc.) and additional stimulation (toys or fingers) until you find a combination that's just right for you and your partner. Oh, and don't forget to name your new move ;)
Lesson Five: Anal Play
This lesson we're exploring anal stimulation. Whether you choose to use your finger, a toy or your penis, the video and suggested tips below can help create (or expand) your anal play repertoire.
Anal play is an activity that can be incredibly pleasurable for both partners but one that unfortunately often is misrepresented in the media. I know from my own experience and from talking to customers that many of us are used to seeing it depicted as something women do for their partner, rather than something that is mutually enjoyed. This message, along with the idea that's it's inherently painful, can make it difficult for women to get excited about giving anal play a try. If that's the case for your partner, I have a few tips:
1. Solo Exploration: Suggest she explore by herself in the shower. It will be easier for her to relax if she's in control of the movement and being in water can relieve the stress some women have about cleanliness. Most importantly, by encouraging her to experiment on her own you're letting her know this is something that should feel good for both of you.
2. Be confident: Reassure her you know what you're doing! Unfortunately, many first anal sex experiences have been with someone who has gone way too fast and, worse, didn’t use any lube. Because the inevitable result is painful, the experience can leave a woman reluctant to try again for a long time. Fortunately, you can now confidently tell your partner that you won't make the same mistakes she might have encountered in the past.
3. Relax: It’s important that your partner is both physically and emotionally relaxed if you’re going to experiment with anal play. Choose a time when you won’t be rushed (this isn’t the time for a quickie!) and remember that warm-up is key.
4. Give her control: Choose positions that allow her to be in control of the motion. For instance, she can guide your finger (or a toy) at the speed that feels comfortable or, if you decide to have anal intercourse, choose a position like doggy style where she can lower her body onto you and control the angle and speed of penetration.
Lesson Six: Props, Porn and Toys
You don't need any toys or props to have amazing sex, but they're certainly a fun addition. That's why in our final video I'll share tips on how to make use of things you already have around the house (her scarf makes an excellent impromptu blindfold!) plus suggestions for the best types of toys for partner play.
Finding the Perfect Toy
If your partner doesn't have a toy (or she'd like something new!) I'd suggest you go together to pick something out. As sweet as it is to surprise your partner with a sexy gift, it's hard to know what she'll like unless you've chatted about it beforehand.
There are literally thousands of options when it comes to sex toys so to help narrow it down, here are a few things to keep in mind:
Versatility. Some toys, like the We~Vibe, are designed for a very particular purpose which doesn't leave a lot of room for experimentation. If it turns out it's not a good fit (so to speak), you're kind of stuck. That's why I always suggest a bullet vibe as a good place to start - they offer a lot of options at a reasonable price.
Material. As some of you may know, I'm very picky about the toys I recommend. The sex toy industry isn't regulated and as a result, many toys are made from materials that aren't very healthy. That's why I recommend sticking with materials like silicone, stainless steel, wood, hard plastic and glass. These are all phthalate-free (a chemical used to soften plastics that's been linked to lots of health concerns) and non-porous, so they're easy to clean. If you're not sure if a toy is safe, do the smell taste - phthalates have that icky new car smell.
Intensity. If your partner is new to toys it can be hard to know what intensity she's going to like. That's why I usually recommend a toy that has at least a couple speeds. Toys like the Hitachi Magic wand are extremely powerful (I joke the speeds are high and higher) while others have a more gentle vibration.
Aesthetics. It may sound silly, but for many women the colour and look of a toy are important. My first toy was hideous and as result, I never wanted to use it. Fortunately, vibes have come a long way and there are plenty of cute options. In fact, some toys are so pretty they double as works of art!
Depending on where you live you might have a local female-friendly sex shop in which case I'd definitely recommend shopping in person. It can be hard to determine what constitutes "strong vibration" from reading a product description, so actually seeing the toys in person is really useful. Size can be deceptive too - I can't tell you how many stories I've heard about customers purchasing toys online that were much bigger than they expected.
Suggested Homework: Explore Erotic Media
Porn can inspire couples to safely explore fantasies and experiment with new forms of pleasure. However, since the industry has traditionally been geared towards men and hasn't always been concerned about protecting women's rights, some of your partners may be reluctant to watch porn if they feel it's exploitative. If that's the case, I'd suggest you share this interview with Tristan Taormino, my favourite feminist porn director. The article helps to highlight the difference between mainstream and female-friendly films and illustrates the ways in which porn can be empowering and educational.
If your partner is interested in exploring erotic films, I'd suggest starting with something by Erika Lust or one of Tristan's instructional Expert Guides.
If your partner isn't keen on watching porn there are lots of other types of erotic media, like the Sweet Love series of short stories designed for couples or the Mammoth Book of New Erotic Photography. Or perhaps there's another type of film that really turns your partner on (Dirty Dancing certainly does it for lots of women!) The key is to find something that gets your partner in the mood, and maybe even provides some inspiration.
Thank You!
I appreciate you joining me on this journey! If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out: Kim@Kimsedgwick.com